Vulpy-baby
by Bianka2207
Summary: The Courier just couldn't resist the erotic monotone voice of Vulpes Inculta. She was perfectly sure he had a good reason for being part of the Legion, too! So why couldn't her companions see it?


"Damn, that guy was fucking creepy."

Arcade nodded. Even the name, 'Vulpes Inculta', just sounded flat out evil. For once he could agree with his companion's colorful language. "I agree with Cass. And I'm pretty surprised you didn't shoot at him immediately." He said to the Courier. "Err, hey? Are you listening? Earth to Courier?"

The woman turned to him with a goofy smile. "Why would I shoot at such a good-looking spankable handsome bad boy?"

"... What the fuck."

And that was the second time he agreed with Cass on that day.

* * *

"I still don't know why you guys are making such a big thing out of this." The Courier told them, rather annoyed. "So what if I have the hots for Vulpy-baby?"

"Oh God, she gave him a nickname..." Arcade took a deep breath.

"Look." Cass sighed. "The thing about the so-called 'bad boys' is that they're supposed to be aloof and somewhat douchey, but actually have a hidden heart of gold. They're not supposed to be murdering weirdos who talk about smiting whore towns or something."

"Don't forget how he crucified those people." Arcade reminded her.

"Yeah, that too." Cass agreed. "Even if you buy that they all totally deserved it... crucification? Really? Who _does_ that?"

"Not to mention that he's a high-ranking member of a slaver organization that treats women like cattle, constantly rapes them, kills for the slightest offense... I could go on, but you get the picture." Arcade added.

"I'm sure he's just misunderstood." The Courier said with conviction. "He probably has a tragic past or something." She swooned. "Oh, Vulpy-baby, you just need someone to hold you!"

"... I'm gonna fucking kick her ass." Cass said. "Here, Arcade, hold my hat."

Arcade sighed. "You can't fix every problem by kicking someone's ass, Cass."

"Watch me."

"Hey, guys, what's going on here?" Veronica walked in, waving at them cheerfully.

Cass spat at her feet. "Oh, nothing, just our delusional Courier being in love with one of the Legion's most high-ranking members and stuff. After seeing him once. Where he talked about killing people. After having crucified them. And burning one dude alive."

"Yikes." Veronica said. "Straight girls are weird."

* * *

"Say it with me." Arcade held up a picture of Vulpes Inculta. "'This man is bad, and having the hots for him is wrong'."

The Courier pouted. "I don't wanna."

Lily, having joined them a bit ago, rubbed her head. "I don't know, pumpkin. That boy _does _sound pretty bad. I don't think I want you playing with him."

"See?!" Cass almost yelled. "Even the mutant agrees with us! Don't you get how fucked all this is?!"

"This is pretty messed up in general." Raul interjected, also having joined them earlier... or something. "But the Legion isn't all bad. I mean, sure they're _bad_, but their territories are also more safe and whatever."

"Oh, if they dropped all the slaver stuff and didn't treat women like breeders I would follow them alright." Cass said sarcastically.

"Good point." Raul admitted. "Thinking about it, isn't it ironic that I'm one of the few people who doesn't hate the Legion because they exterminated Raiders like the ones who killed two important women in my lives, even though said women would have probably been enslaved or murdered or raped by the Legion or something? Haha. Anyone? Irony!"

"We don't have time for your tragic backstory, Raul. We need to kick that girl's ass."

"Oh, alright then. I'm just gonna sit here and feel like a lonely unappreciated old man."

"Woof!"

"Thanks for your input, Rex."

"If you want me to punch her, just say the word." Veronica suggested.

"No violence, for once!" Arcade rubbed his temples. "Please? Do we always have to punch everyone? Can't we just talk it out?"

"Beep boop."

"No one's asked for your sass, ED-E."

The Courier giggled. "I loooove talking to Vulpy-baby. His voice is so sexy."

"You've only talked to him once for God's sake!" Cass yelled.

"No, no, I talked to him just earlier."

"What the fuck do you mean?"

"Oh, I invited him to us in the Lucky 38! I was talking to him just earlier." The Courier said cheerfully.

"That's right." A monotone voice suddenly spoke up behind them. There he was, Vulpes Inculta. In a suit and... a comically oversized hat.

"Vulpy-baby!" The Courier squealed, glomping the man.

"I'm gonna throw up." Cass commented.

"Now tell them what you told me, Vulpy! I'm sick of how they're slandering your name!"

"Very well." Vulpes Inculta coughed in his fist. "I know what you've heard of Caesar's Legion. Slavers. All that raping and murdering. Blablabla. Well, I'll have you know that you're completely right. However." He paused dramatically. "We have, like, _reasons_."

"... I don't know what I expected." Arcade sighed.

"But didn't you hear him?!" The Courier yelled, beyond frustrated. "They have, like, _reasons_!"

"Granted, the great Caesar once killed a bunch of people because he didn't like the way they kneeled. Screamed something about insolence. Anyway, I'm hot and maybe not all that misogynistic. Isn't that right, you worthless bitch?" He said adoringly to the woman in his arms.

"Aww, I love when he gives me pet names." The Courier giggled.

"I'm starting to miss Tabitha." Raul said solemnly.

Suddenly Vulpes Inculta's head exploded in a bloody mess. Everyone screamed, except Lily who had no idea what was going on.

"Hmm." Boone looked at the mess he made. "Sorry, my Legion senses were tingling. What did I miss?"

"You just killed my future husband!" The Courier wailed, clutching her dead lover's body in despair.

"Well done, Boone." Cass said. "I knew you were good for something besides brooding about your dead wife."

"Don't talk about her!" Boone said sharply, then stormed away.

Suddenly the Courier let go of Vulpes' body. "Hey, did you see that?" She asked her companions. "Boone is so... broody... and always scowling." She giggled. "It's kinda hot... he's so _bad_..."

"... Okay, Cass, _now _you can kick her ass."


End file.
